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In my last post I mentioned Evil Ducks while talking to some God-Squadders who knocked at my door (see previous entry) and said that any Eddie Izzard fan would understand what I was talkimg about. Well, for those of you who have never seen Edde do stand-up, below is the transcript of the specific part of his Glorious show where he brings up the whole flood theory.

Enjoy!

So God said, “I will send a Flood, 40 days and 40 nights, and lots of umbrellas, but I will save two of everything, because it looks good on the seesaw floater. Two hippos” (mimics motion) “Noah, stop what you’re doing and build me an Ark.” And Noah, who’s Sean Connery playing the role of Noah

“I’m working on a speedboat at the moment. It’s much more exciting, a bigger engine in a speedboat, and you can shoot across the water like that…..”

“No, Noah, I want an Ark; an Ark with a big room for poo.”

“Look, a speedboat would really kick ass, it will give great photos to the people in The Bible. We can get all the animals with long ears to sit along the side….. it’d be fucking excellent! Excellent photographs!”

“No, you build me an Ark. You can put a big engine in the Ark, if you want.”

“Okay… I should compromise.”

So he started to saw up pieces of wood to make the Ark. (makes sawing noises) That’s not how you start sawing, is it? You start sawing by going (fast sawing noises). It’s impossible to start, isn’t it? Then you get into that middle bit (more sawing noises), which feels good - when you feel like your Dad… when your Dad used to say, “I’m just going out to the garage to saw a plank of wood in half.” (sawing noises and thud) …..”There we go! Oh, Dr. Benoski on Sunday television! ‘˜The Ascent of Man’”…. (snores) Sundays with my Dad, that was!

No, you want a speed-saw, don’t you?, much more….. (speed-sawing sound) Those power saws, much better! But sawing has a difficult start-off, then it goes into a bit of that, and in the end it goes back to (fast sawing noises). And after a while, Noah realized he was actually punching a baboon! (more noises)

“Stop hitting me! (noises continue) Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep!”

“I’m not punching you, this is my mime! I’m sawing an Ark, I’m making an Ark. Get out of my mime! I don’t want you in my mime.”

“What have you got against baboons in mime?”

“Nothing, you can do your own mime, but not in my mime… not on my mime. It’s my motto, ‘No Baboons in Mime.’”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?”

“I… did before, but I don’t now…”

So he built an Ark, and that was great; and he went around collecting two of every animal from all around the world, including two baboons, one of them punch-drunk. (staggers) “He was hitting me earlier, I don’t know what’s going on.”

He was going, “Okay, who have we got here? Two dogs – okay, two dogs, long ears, along the side, please. I’ll explain it to you later. Two sheep – on you get, sit along the side, there we go. Two cats – small ears, inside the boat. Two ducks…” The ducks are going,

“We’re not coming.”

“Well, there’s gonna be an enormous fuckoff flood.”

“So? What’s the big problem?!”

There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.” All that in a James Mason voice, (as Mason) “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones… (mumbling) …a loophole. Sorry, I wasn’t here, I was off-stage, in my trailer. Someone else did my lines.”

So – yes. It is, anything that can float – you’ve got bad ducks, bad geese, bad swans… (miming evil demeanor) Bad ducks going, “quack, quack, quack…” (mimes gargling and spitting) They’re the spitting ducks. You bad fish! (mimes fish) Bad pilot fish, with those little lights on the top – evil pilot fish, really, really bad! Those that go down in twos, and swim up to other fish, you know, with the little lights on the top, and the other fish are going, “No, there’s a car coming towards me! Aaah! Hey! Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish! I know your Dad.” (walking very erect) That’s how a fish walks if he’s English. “You don’t know what just happened there.” Yes…

So it’s a big hole in the whole thing. I mean, with the humans, we understand the idea of good and bad; evil and very, very good – saintly, I suppose, but with animals? What, in fact, is an “evil giraffe”? How do they…? “I will eat all the leaves on this tree. (mimes eating leaves) I will eat more leaves than I should… and then other giraffes may die. (evil chuckle) I am an evil herbivore!” (mimes the giraffe walk) It’s very difficult to be evil. “I will hide berries where no one can see them.” (evil chuckle)

So yes, there you have it.. Evil Ducks, pilot fish and herbivores!…. go watch Eddie Izzard.. it’s much funnier than reading what he’s saying ;)

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