Azhrialilu Dot Com

If you’re not already a member of this forum then you should be!  We changed hosts last night from Site5 which has been absolutely terrible of late to AN Hosting who seem - so far - much better!  The changeover went without a hitch and was really quick so no complaints there!

It’s  a Bitch Thing (or IaBT as it’s affectionately known) as a forum is the concept of myself, but comes from an original idea from Helena, who opened a group on Shelfari many moons ago called something slightly different for people to just generally rant and rave.  We then progressed to Anobii (which we still haunt) and I then thought we deserved our own space on the net and so IaBT the blog and forum was born.

The thinking behind it was that while there are many forums out there for general chatter, there weren’t really any for people to seriously have a bitch about the stuff that goes on in their lives, things that bug them, etc without fearing a flame-attack in return.  Obviously, there was a market for this as the site is not yet 2 months old and we’re almost at the 3,000 post mark - go us!!!!  We’re either a bunch of miserable bastards with nothing to do but complain or we just enjoy chatting with each other

So, even if you have nothing to complain about, but feel like getting together with a bunch of people who don’t take life too seriously, come on over and say hello!!!

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For example, when you first meet people are you a hand-shaker, hugger, double-kisser or way more standoffish?  What about later on in friendships….are you touchy-feely, need your space or have a total quirk about not liking to be touched somewhere that we’re supposed to know if you don’t tell us?  Ahem.  Moving on.  Lastly, what about PDAs (public displays of affection)….are they cool, obnoxious, somewhat okay, never okay, or something entirely different?

Ohhh, where to start! 

• When I first meet someone the last thing I want is them invading my space… see this circle around me *waves arms in a wide circle*  that’s MY space, stay out… step away from the zone!  I can’t abide people who I’ve never met smothering me in any kind of hug or kiss session… get thee behind me, touchy-freak!  It’s the quickest way to get me to dislike a person on sight and, believe me, it’s happened……….. more than once!  I mean, come on!!!!!!  Why, pray tell, do people feel this need to get all touchy with someone they’ve met for the first time three seconds earlier?  It just makes me suspicious.  A handshake I can cope with - but even then, unless it’s an interview or some other kind of business meeting, I would question just why someone would be stuffy enough to feel they’d have to shake my hand.  A simple “hi, how are you?” is more than adequate with me.  Or even a “It’s so cool to meet you, finally!”  I can cope with that too.  But no touching, goddamn it!  NO TOUCHING!!!!!
• On to stage two - this is where we’ve met once or twice now and are moving towards a friendship of some kind.  Just in case you hadn’t figured it out yet, I’m not a touchy person, I prefer not to be touched, thank you!  But at this stage, 9 times out of 10, I can cope with a quick hug - I prefer it over stupid air kisses (What the hell are they all about anyway?) - but I would still prefer to keep that space I alluded to earlier… *waves arms around in a big circle again*  Just imagine we’re talking over a fence (with some kind of barbed wire over the top of it so you can’t lean over )
• In a relationship, now that’s an entirely different matter.  With my other half I can be as touchy-feely as I like (which he’ll be quick to tell everyone isn’t very often.  Damn it, I’m not a touchy-feely person!!!!) but public expressions of affection by my other half don’t bother me at all.  Although I do draw the line at tonsil tickling in the middle of tescos!  That’s not to say there hasn’t been certain times when serious gropage has gone on in the freezer section *sniggers*

All that aside, what it boils down to for me is the person attemping the touching.  When I first met my mother’s current husband, he came at me across the carpark (I had no clue who this guy barrelling towards me was) and threw his arms around me in some kind of dramatic hug.  He was met with a stiffened spine and a glare that demanded “what the hell are you doing?”.  From that point on, I disliked him.  I still do.  I’m told he’s quite a nice guy.  Tough luck, I dislike him immensely - there’s more to it than the deluded hug, but that’s another post.  What he did was set the wheels in motion and got my hackles up by invading my space without invitation.  A big no-no.  Don’t do it… not if you want to live!

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What is it with online quizzes.  Most of them… okay, if I’m honest, ALL of them, are bloody stupid and pointless.  But everyone and I do mean everyone will do at least one of them at some point! 

 Take this one for instance:-

Are you an Attention Whore?

You Don’t Need Extra Attention

You’re perfectly happy with who you are, and you don’t need attention to feel good about yourself. You prefer to let your actions and accomplishments speak for themselves. Working hard to get people to like you is your idea of a nightmare. You’ve got a lot going on, and anyone with half a brain will notice that on their own!You come across as: Confident and serious People may wrongly think you’re: Stuck up and shy

Obviously I couldn’t resist doing this one - the title of it was far too tempting for me!  I couldn’t tell you how accurate it is though - do people see me as confident and serious or that I’m stuck up and shy?  Who knows, no one’s ever told me

But then you see ones with a title like:-

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

And I just think “What, now?”  Just how on earth can some questions tell you what punctuation mark you should be or what it means to be that particular one.  That’s just stretching the stupidity too far, I feel!

Now how many of you clicked the link and did that quiz?

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Just a bit of silliness to lighten the day!

 Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal,mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans… Another vegetable. It’s the best feel good food around!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Have a cookie… flour is a veggie!

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In my last post I mentioned Evil Ducks while talking to some God-Squadders who knocked at my door (see previous entry) and said that any Eddie Izzard fan would understand what I was talkimg about. Well, for those of you who have never seen Edde do stand-up, below is the transcript of the specific part of his Glorious show where he brings up the whole flood theory.

Enjoy!

So God said, “I will send a Flood, 40 days and 40 nights, and lots of umbrellas, but I will save two of everything, because it looks good on the seesaw floater. Two hippos” (mimics motion) “Noah, stop what you’re doing and build me an Ark.” And Noah, who’s Sean Connery playing the role of Noah

“I’m working on a speedboat at the moment. It’s much more exciting, a bigger engine in a speedboat, and you can shoot across the water like that…..”

“No, Noah, I want an Ark; an Ark with a big room for poo.”

“Look, a speedboat would really kick ass, it will give great photos to the people in The Bible. We can get all the animals with long ears to sit along the side….. it’d be fucking excellent! Excellent photographs!”

“No, you build me an Ark. You can put a big engine in the Ark, if you want.”

“Okay… I should compromise.”

So he started to saw up pieces of wood to make the Ark. (makes sawing noises) That’s not how you start sawing, is it? You start sawing by going (fast sawing noises). It’s impossible to start, isn’t it? Then you get into that middle bit (more sawing noises), which feels good - when you feel like your Dad… when your Dad used to say, “I’m just going out to the garage to saw a plank of wood in half.” (sawing noises and thud) …..”There we go! Oh, Dr. Benoski on Sunday television! ‘˜The Ascent of Man’”…. (snores) Sundays with my Dad, that was!

No, you want a speed-saw, don’t you?, much more….. (speed-sawing sound) Those power saws, much better! But sawing has a difficult start-off, then it goes into a bit of that, and in the end it goes back to (fast sawing noises). And after a while, Noah realized he was actually punching a baboon! (more noises)

“Stop hitting me! (noises continue) Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep!”

“I’m not punching you, this is my mime! I’m sawing an Ark, I’m making an Ark. Get out of my mime! I don’t want you in my mime.”

“What have you got against baboons in mime?”

“Nothing, you can do your own mime, but not in my mime… not on my mime. It’s my motto, ‘No Baboons in Mime.’”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?”

“I… did before, but I don’t now…”

So he built an Ark, and that was great; and he went around collecting two of every animal from all around the world, including two baboons, one of them punch-drunk. (staggers) “He was hitting me earlier, I don’t know what’s going on.”

He was going, “Okay, who have we got here? Two dogs – okay, two dogs, long ears, along the side, please. I’ll explain it to you later. Two sheep – on you get, sit along the side, there we go. Two cats – small ears, inside the boat. Two ducks…” The ducks are going,

“We’re not coming.”

“Well, there’s gonna be an enormous fuckoff flood.”

“So? What’s the big problem?!”

There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.” All that in a James Mason voice, (as Mason) “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones… (mumbling) …a loophole. Sorry, I wasn’t here, I was off-stage, in my trailer. Someone else did my lines.”

So – yes. It is, anything that can float – you’ve got bad ducks, bad geese, bad swans… (miming evil demeanor) Bad ducks going, “quack, quack, quack…” (mimes gargling and spitting) They’re the spitting ducks. You bad fish! (mimes fish) Bad pilot fish, with those little lights on the top – evil pilot fish, really, really bad! Those that go down in twos, and swim up to other fish, you know, with the little lights on the top, and the other fish are going, “No, there’s a car coming towards me! Aaah! Hey! Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish! I know your Dad.” (walking very erect) That’s how a fish walks if he’s English. “You don’t know what just happened there.” Yes…

So it’s a big hole in the whole thing. I mean, with the humans, we understand the idea of good and bad; evil and very, very good – saintly, I suppose, but with animals? What, in fact, is an “evil giraffe”? How do they…? “I will eat all the leaves on this tree. (mimes eating leaves) I will eat more leaves than I should… and then other giraffes may die. (evil chuckle) I am an evil herbivore!” (mimes the giraffe walk) It’s very difficult to be evil. “I will hide berries where no one can see them.” (evil chuckle)

So yes, there you have it.. Evil Ducks, pilot fish and herbivores!…. go watch Eddie Izzard.. it’s much funnier than reading what he’s saying ;)

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